Feeling ‘Good Enough’

Today I was in inquiry around my dissatisfaction with my relationships, and realized it’s because I was seeing how others weren’t “good enough” in one way or another. Which I then had to admit all stems from my own feelings of not being “good enough.”

I spent the first half of my life not feeling good enough. I felt somehow inferior, I was a people pleaser, I did anything and everything to be liked or else took up the attitude that if I wasn’t liked you didn’t deserve me anyhow. I sought to be good enough.

Then I spent the second half of my life proving I was, in fact, good enough already. First to others and then to myself. Look, I’m all this, see, I’m good enough. I will do all that for you…see, I’m good enough. I’m good enough no matter what you think, because…. The names and examples would change, but I eventually realized while it was true I no longer didn’t feel ‘good enough,’ I was still in a constant race to prove I was, in fact, ‘good enough.’ I was proving I didn’t have to prove myself. Hmmmmmm.

I’ve only recently gotten over my own “good enough” syndrome. “I’m not good enough” or just as bad “I am good enough.” Finally, I’m realizing THERE IS NO GOOD ENOUGH.

The world is endlessly changing and abundant, there is no “enough” and “good” is just a figment of my (or someone else’s) imagination. There is only what is. And “what is,” is perfect…because it is.

Holding it up to some “bar” of judgment — some “good” or “enough” standard is dishonoring its perfection and missing the gift.

Pleasure is temporary contentment, Pain is temporary discontent, Suffering is seeking to change either. My pleasures are fleeting and little measure of anything but temporary satisfaction and my pain, if embraced, is also fleeting. That one is a little harder for me, by the way, embracing pain. Who wants to embrace pain! Pain sucks. I just found out through trial and exploration that pain has a (much) longer hold on me if I DON’T embrace it.

I injure myself physically, I apply attention to the injury, it heals much quicker. Applying attention to emotional injuries works the same way, only I found it a lot harder to focus on emotional injuries. I was much more apt to squash them down or over express them onto some unprepared bystander (or loved one) in my life.

Happiness, I decided, is accepting both pleasure and pain and finding joy in whatever direction either is pointing us. I may not always like it at the time, but that direction does generally tend to be forward when I face it.

So, in looking at my relationships today, and where others aren’t “good enough” for me in some way, I decided to pick an attitude of transformation. Thus the butterflies pictured in this article. I decided, in fact, it’s not “them” that need to transform, but me.

Maybe I’m not pleased with them at the moment. Maybe I’m in pain. Maybe they don’t feel very “good” or “enough” to me. But what is that saying about me? What am I looking for in this relationship and not finding that I am also not giving myself? If I’m “enough” then they’re always enough. So if they’re not “enough” then what am I missing? And how can I give it to myself?

I may just need to let them off the hook. After all, it’s my life. I get to decide what’s “good” and when it’s “enough.” Don’t I? They are only reflecting back to me whatever I am deciding.

Bad news. This attitude puts me in charge of my feelings. I can’t blame others anymore. Good news. This attitude puts me in charge of my feelings. I am the one who can change everything with my attitude.

Originally published at medium.com on December 11, 2018.